Let the love go when there is no direction in your lesbian relationship

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Here is a letter from one of our readers asking for the lesbian community’s support. A real and honest advise will surely let her weigh things over so she can move on with less pain in her heart. The tenor of the letter has not been changed, except the name, which we will keep private.


I need some perspective. I fell in love with a woman from work back in February. She’s 10 years older (I’m 39, she’s 49), and married (for 13 years), with a 5 year old son. She was with women prior to getting married, and her husband knew of her bisexuality prior to them marrying. She married a man, she says, because the lesbian drama and break-up was too much for her to handle: she wanted something stable and less emotional. Now she’s emotionally starved and she and her husband get along terribly; they fight constantly even in front of their son and guests, they have no emotional connection (her husband says he’s incapable of “doing the emotional connection thing,” and they haven’t had sex in more than 2 years. (The no sex thing is confirmed by her husband, by the way.)

We didn’t intend to start anything, but as we became closer friends, an emotional and then sexual relationship developed. She’s very hesitant to leave her marriage due to the impact on her son and also on her elderly parents. But she’s also made clear that she wants to be with me. She and her husband and son are away together for the summer, and she’s asked for no contact from me until they return in late August. We had several fights in the days leading up to her departure, and I’m afraid I’ve scared her off. I’m afraid I’m being played, but I also know that she told her husband about us prior to leaving for the summer. They did a few couples therapy sessions prior to leaving where she was able to talk about me, and her need for an emotional relationship, and the possibility that she would go back to women. On the other hand, she never promised to leave her marriage for me; not until the last day before she left, when she told me 4 times that she promised to come back to me. She never says things lightly, and has always faced-up to saying the truth, even if it’s difficult for me to hear.

I don’t know what to believe. I feel like my mind is playing games on me….partly saying I should be done with her, and other parts saying I should definitely wait. I’m a total mess with this flip-flopping. Plus this no contact thing is excruciating–and I haven’t been perfect at it (I’ve sent 2 texts in the 2 weeks since she left, with no response to either.) I’m sick about this whole thing.

What’s your experience with these kinds of situations? Where do things go? How should I prepare? How do I make it through another 8 weeks?


  1. jandi
  2. Alexandra

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